slihm, city park, new orleans.

slihm is someone I admire greatly. not only is she a beautiful creature physically, but she has drive and aspiration, she has the ammunition to fire it all from cannons... or should I say from nikons?

one night at neeners recently, after a beautiful coagulation of perfect people and blunts and acrylics, everyone had gone and neeners and I were left watching south park in her living room full of furniture that she doesn't own. I was sitting in slihms papasan, curled like a G, internally relishing the new quiet, replaying scenes from the night in my mind and giving directors commentary on it all. Letting my thoughts course amok, a captured image of slihm with half lit whiskey eyes slid into the weave and I had a sudden warmth shoot throughout my body.

I knew what it was instantly.

I jolted, and was taken back to reality, back to neeners living room, back to tangible fluff and smoke. I did not want to recognise this feeling, much less acknowledge it and embrace it. closing my eyes to try and relocate my conscious to a more sane space, more and more memories of slihm kept cropping up and this time they were mingled with imaginary thoughts of brushing my lips against her neck. finger-tipping her hips. making her smile contort into open mouthed gasps.


god... damn it.

I opened my eyes. the air around me swirled and I caught her scent for an instant. maybe I was imagining it. but it is her papasan that I was balled into, so perhaps it really was her? her papasan, me in it's white and comfortable concave cushion... I let the metaphor linger in my mind for a moment. ha, no.

neeners was absorbed in southpark. I told her shortly that I had a dilemma. I wanted to ask slihm - slihm, the girl who just lost it last summer, the girl who thumped bibles harder than a judge strikes a gavel, the girl whose perspective on so many things is skewed but so fucking clear - I wanted to ask slihm on a date.

"like... a lesbian date?"

ha.

yes, neeners. like a lesbian date.

"she'd say yes because she's really polite, but uh - "

HA.

I don't want to her to say yes to be polite. I think she is beautiful.

...

and the conversation was over.


the next night, another gathering was had at neeners house, and this time it included our friend squeeze.

squeeze is a genuinely intelligent guy who is semi-attractive in a gingery, well fed country-boy way. squeeze and I made out for one night and that was more than enough. he's a good guy with a good heart and a really fucking patronizing and condescending attitude. after having made out that one night [in the back of neeners car because he would not let up, how fucking gauche], I never wanted that heavy and darting tongue ever again, so I told him that I was not relationship ready but that he was a really great guy etc etc, and he tells me I'm "too free" and that I'll "never settle because I don't know what I want." I do know exactly what I want which is why I wasn't settling for him, but that's another story entirely.

everyone at neener's house is having a great time. squeeze is getting handsy with slihm. this is in his nature, I think nothing of it until slihm starts responding towards it in a not-so negative way.

ok, I think. I can't be mad. I can't be mad. I can't be mad.

neeners looks at me as if I am a timed bomb on 0:06.


squeeze and slihm hold hands.


I can't be mad. I can't be irrationally mad. I can't be illogically mad.


squeeze and slihm kiss.


I can't be fucking mad. this is driving me fucking mad. I can't be so fucking mad.

0:00.

I breathe, and I get the fuck over it. c'est la vie; I'd rather her be happy than see her so sunken all the time.


the night went well; we tye-dyed and our shirts and towels came out dope. I leave, going home with bitter thoughts. she'll get over it - I think. no one in our group can handle seeing squeeze more than once a month and hopefully this stigma will be retained by him and it will startle her when she realizes how aggravating he is - I think.

I go over to neener's the next day for morning yoga. I knock, neeners opens. the first thing I see is neeners mouth, agape, and then her eyes rolled towards the papasan behind her - where slihm and squeeze sit intertwined. he hadn't left. she hadn't left. they had shared the same bed.

I wanted to vomit.