my state of mind.

hotel monteleone, riverboat natchez, and st. louis cathedral,

new orleans.

piney road cemetery, culleoka, tennessee.


mostly a civil war cemetary. some of the graves had been opened, some of the headstones eaten by trees. you could feel heat from the earth under your toes, you could smell airy dead. the earliest date that I could make out on any stone was 1784. it was comforting.

mama, stuck on interstate, new orleans.

skies, royal street, new orleans.

superhero, voodoofest 2010, new orleans.

mouf pop, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

la croix gator cuts, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

ninja of die antwoord, voodoofest 2010, new orleans.

ninja of die antwoord, voodoofest 2010, new orleans.

slihm, neeners house, new orleans.

cream criss-cross, new orleans.

rusho, rusho's house, new orleans.


I told him not to go easy on me.

I lost.

I smiled.

master of the craft, neeners house, new orleans.

before and after party, 1614 esplanade, new orleans.

mildred, neeners house, new orleans.

"is that an old man in a wheelchair in the mountains watching television?"

"lmao, no dude, that's your grandma."

chasing neeners, city park, new orleans.
[click picture.]

just like any other friday.

...but with more food.

egh.

this is stupid.

dry algae, esplanade boat launch, new orleans.

this is brain damage.

my father haunts me. in my actions, in my words, in my breath. I am his embalming fluid. I feel myself as him, his genetics. my mother must loathe me at times. I am everything she left him because of.

I don't remember him ever saying a word to me. I only remember the wheeze. the opalescent skin. wake up. hematite hair. hospital bed surrounded by smokey friends with wheel of fortune playing on the 20 inch television. wake up, dad, please. my brother being a dry eyed, emptied man. yellowed bass guitars. cat shit. dad, it's been a while, you gotta wake up. cold hands. my stepmothers pabst from a can poured into a speckled, lipstick stained tumbler. the odour of marlboro lights, disbelief, and biscuits. a pastel memory of going to the toy store with him in the back seat of his best friends car and him buying me barbie chapstick because anything barbie is as good as a barbie doll. his garlic spaghetti. the colostomy bag. louis, louis, wake up. half lit, foggy eyes. cold pleather couches. cousins I'll never see again. school is going to be impossible tomorrow. cigarette butts, ashtrays, ashes everywhere. the tape recording he made for my 3rd birthday of him reading fairy tales. I'll never hear him play his instruments. dad, you have to wake up, you fucking have to wake up to see me, please. hot tears, cold sweat, warm breeze through the rusty screen door. none of this is real. the dim, olive light throughout the living room. rattles of so many pill bottles. how do all of you people know and remember me 17 years later? everything is too real. photo albums with strange stories of me in them. vaguely recognisable faces that I recall from dreams. my fathers mothers jewelry. the brown and rotting shag carpet. books that my father thumbed. this is fucking surreal.

this is a recollection of a remembrance. this is a 4 second long memory I have of remembering memories at my fathers bed. I don't remember being there, I don't remember how long I was there or who of my fathers friend surrounded us or anything else other than remembering memories, and the environment I was swathed in.

I wish I could remember his voice.

they told me when he regained consciousness later, he said he had heard me, and that he loved me.

I don't believe them. I want to believe them. I can't believe them.

I emulate him in so many ways; I am near nothing like my mother. I love her more than any words could ever express and I hate that I am this. I hate that I will never be understood by her. I hate that my grandmother understands me more than she knows and that I will never love her the way I want to. I hate that I don't love my father.

my brothers wife played 'wish you were here' on an acoustic at my fathers funeral party. I sat in a white fold out chair, tears streaming and steaming. I was a spectacle to be observed, the long lost daughter to which no contact had been had in 17 years. so nice of her to come to her fathers cremation celebration. she has his smile, I can tell past those tears. that's a nice dress she's wearing. I wanted to vomit into the punch bowl. I heard 'wish you were here' minutes ago, and was reminded of the scene in 'clockwork orange' where alex feels nausea from hearing his previously favourite composer beethoven, because of his past traumatic experiences during which the artist was played. the mere melody wrenched his stomach.

I just puked in my garbage can.

skies, cooks house, new orleans.

neeners and I reflected ornamental, roosevelt hotel, new orleans.

first facebook check since returning from pretty boys birthday party, my house, new orleans.

hehheh. that was a party indeed.

muse, pepperoni's café, new orleans.


2010. still getting better.

muse, her prior residence, new orleans.

2007. better days.

some girl, new orleans.

table sex anatomy

upskirt.

legs.

hip.

seats.

drawers.

the emergency plan, louisiana state university, baton rouge, louisiana.

tiger on carousel, mall of louisiana, baton rouge, louisiana.

yo-landi vi$$er of die antwoord, voodoofest 2010, new orleans.

ninja of die antwoord, voodoofest 2010,
new orleans.

gingy, city park, new orleans.

1234, hesper avenue, new orleans.

sidewalk paraphernalia, louisiana state university, baton rouge, louisiana.

one eye, skies, jade strange, popples,
skies house, new orleans.

ninja of die antwoord crowd surfing, voodoofest 2010, new orleans.

ninja of die antwoord, voodoofest 2010, new orleans.

the only reason I went to voodoo. also because I had free tickets haha.

the chair, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

pretty boy, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

pretty boy, simmons, and crag, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

context invertion, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

high straight, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

jukebox in its natural habitat, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

pretty boy, abandoned jazzland, new orleans.

simmons, abandoned dixie brewery, new orleans.

my bathroom window sill today, my house, new orleans.

gingy and jade strange, louisiana state university ballroom, baton rouge, louisiana.

jade strange, lousiana state university ballroom, baton rouge, louisiana.

f_ck sh_t, abandoned dixie brewery, new orleans.